The Shopping Questionnaire: Bryanboy

By Loïc Prigent

The Shopping Questionnaire. Bryanboy. - © System Magazine

What is the last thing you bought?

Two hoodies – yellow and white – and a blue beanie from Celine.

Full price?

As if Celine would give me a discount!

What is the last thing you bought but didn’t have to pay for?

My groceries. Praise-the-lord-hallelujah for having a husband with a day job.

What is the worst salesperson line to sell you stuff?

High-pitched voice, American accent, ‘Hiiiiiiiiiii, how are you?’ Nails on the chalkboard! Not today, Satan, not today.

Which brand has the best service?

Saint Laurent! It’s always a chic experience and I love how they just leave you alone at the store and let you look at the things on the racks in peace. They’re never rude; I like it.

Do you feel guiltier when you spend too much money or when the prices are suspiciously low?

Guilt is an emotion that doesn’t exist in my vocabulary.

Tell me your best teenage memory of malls.

I used to be a Catholic and in 1995, Pope John Paul II visited the Philippines. I was peer-pressured into spending my allowance at the mall on this ‘World Youth Day’ bracelet. I was 13 at the time. Then we all went to Levi’s to look at jeans, but we all left the shop empty-handed and I told myself one day if I were rich I would buy the whole store. I am still waiting for that to happen.

Which brand serves the best coffee on its shop floor?

I never have coffee while shopping. A proper retail therapy session is like self-medicating at a rave or club. Why induce a comedown that fast?

What was your worst shopping experience?

Nothing severely traumatic. I’ve experienced micro-aggressions, especially in Europe. It rarely happens, but when it does, I just laugh it off. For example, in Paris, I have seen a white sales staff member visibly nudge his Asian colleague to help me – only for that colleague to come over and say, ‘Ni hao!’

Tell me something clever about shopping and reinvention and self-confidence and spending.

Everything and everyone in this world may have a price tag, but it doesn’t cost a single penny to dream.

What will be the name of your high-fashion store, how will your salespeople be dressed, and what will be their pick-up line with customers?

It will be called RPC, which stands for Rich People Clothes. I want my salespeople to be dressed like those L’Avenue and Hotel Costes staff: day time slutty bourgeois. My employees are mostly working for me because they want that wholesale discount. I don’t want my staff to look like they work in a funeral parlour or a make-up counter earning minimum wage. No one will be wearing all black with those little name tags. The customer interaction is going to be absolutely minimal because my girls are going to be way too busy scrolling on their Instaglam to initiate a sales push.

What is the best aspect of shopping for you?

The never-ending cycle of spending and hustling. I love working very hard and rewarding myself.

In which store do you wish to be buried and what should be written on your tombstone?

Prada Milano Montenapoleone. I want my tombstone on the ground floor of the men’s shop – ‘This is where it all began; this is where it ended.’

Taken from System No. 16.